Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
