No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
