Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
