i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
