omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If I die, sorry about rent.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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