In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
