Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
