For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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