Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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