its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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