saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
