My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
