I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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