My sheets look like a crime scene.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
