i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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