3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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