I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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