my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
