I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize