Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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