he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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