I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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