I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
