Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
