When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
