Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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