and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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