youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
