Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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