I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
