i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
