I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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