one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
