you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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