I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
