??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
