i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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