Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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