The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love accidental penises.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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