That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
