'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So squirting runs in the family.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
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I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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