Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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