oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
