happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
