I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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