I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
