Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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