Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
