Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
