his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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