Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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