News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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