I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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