just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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