Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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