The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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