so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
