Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
