you guys were way drunker than both of me
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
