drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
